The “In” Crowd?

If you spend enough time in middle school or high school, you’ll eventually hear someone talk about the “in crowd.”

Everybody seems to know what it means.

It’s the group that appears to have the most social power. They seem confident. Popular. Influential. The people everyone else wants to be around.

For many students, getting “in” becomes a goal.

But after nearly three decades working in schools, I’ve noticed something interesting.

The crowd everyone wants to be part of often isn’t what it appears to be.

If you look closely, the qualities that define many of these groups can often be summed up by a surprising pattern.

Many of them start with the same two letters.

IN.

Unfortunately, they’re not the kind of “in” most people actually want.

Many so-called “in crowds” are built on people who are insecure.

From the outside they may appear confident, but their place in the group depends on staying accepted. That means constantly watching what the group approves of and what it doesn’t.

Clothing choices. Music. Opinions. Jokes.

Everything becomes part of the test.

When that happens, people often become influenceable. Instead of deciding who they want to be, they let the crowd decide for them.

Sometimes this leads to behavior that is insincere. People laugh at jokes they don’t really find funny. They pretend to like things they don’t care about. They say things they don’t truly believe just to stay accepted.

Over time, these groups can become intolerant. Anyone who dresses differently, thinks differently, or acts differently may be pushed aside.

And sometimes the environment becomes intimidating. Students feel pressure to go along with behavior they know isn’t right.

It’s a strange reality of teenage life:

The group everyone wants to get into is sometimes built on insecurity, insincerity, and intimidation.

That doesn’t sound like a very great place to belong.

But there is another kind of “in crowd.”

Instead of being exclusive, it is inclusive.

Instead of being intimidating, it is inviting.

Instead of being self-centered, the people in it are involved in each other’s lives.

And instead of pulling people down, they are inspiring.

When you spend time with people like that, you leave feeling stronger, more confident, and more motivated to become the best version of yourself.

But before you can find the right crowd, there’s something even more important.

You have to learn how to be comfortable being a crowd of one.

That means developing qualities that come from the inside.

Qualities like integrity—doing the right thing even when no one else is watching.

Being industrious—working hard to improve yourself.

Being inquisitive—curious about the world and eager to learn.

Being insightful—thinking deeply about what matters.

And being introspective—reflecting on your choices and adjusting when needed.

When you build those qualities within yourself, something interesting happens.

You stop chasing acceptance from the wrong crowd.

Instead, you begin attracting the right people into your life.

People who value character.

People who want to grow.

People who want to experience this wild ride we call life alongside others who are trying to become their best selves.